If this isthe real end – 6

“My lady… ! What happened?”

            Theone who discovered me sitting down covered in ink was an old maid. Even thoughusually no one would enter the archives, it seemed she had come on some whim. Asshe entered, she was simply saying “It will soon be time to take a rest…” but whenshe saw me, she swallowed her breath and exclaimed in a loud voice, “Oh G.o.d…!”Then, in a panic, she turned heels and locked the door. As long as my parentswere outdoor, there were no other person that could enter or exit the archives.But on the unlikely event someone would open the door, she was probably worriedthey would catch a glance of my unsightly appearance. Certainly, it was not agood thing to let the servant see me now. Because needless inquiries would bemade to discover why I ended up like this. As the youngest servants’ loyaltywas little, they had a loose tongue. End even those who have served for alonger time had moment of carelessness where they could let something slip. Ifthat were to happen, in the blink of an eye bad rumors about me would spread.This situation of having stained your body by the spilled ink wouldn’t happeneven to a young child. Because if you were an aristocrat, someone would alwaysbe by your side since your early childhood. If a situation such as spilling inkand dirtying your body occurred, it would be because of the blunder of thenearby person and not of the n.o.ble himself. That was what it meant to be born an.o.ble. Being under the patronage of someone was natural, being protected,cherished, and served by others weren’t anything special. It was commonplace, anatural thing.

“Al is…?”

When Iasked the question that floated in my mind, she answered with an apologetic expression,“… Alfred-sama has leaved the manor on an errand.”

            …… I messed up.

            Insuch circ.u.mstances, it wasn’t preferable to call someone from the opposite s.e.x.I have to show the proper reaction. I have to take the suitable att.i.tude as an.o.ble. Having reconsidered my thoughts, I shook my head.

“No, that is not what I mean… I amglad it was you.”

            I am glad it was you who came, when Isaid that, the maid lowered her eyebrows and showed a small smile. She probablydidn’t know what kind of expression to make.

            Iwas all alone in that place. Even though I was a n.o.ble’s daughter, my figuresmeared in ink offered a miserable sight. If there had been a person wanting todefame me here… they would probably be pointing their fingers at me whilelaughing.

“Is thereanything to wipe with…” Extending a hand to me who was still sitting on thefloor, the maid helped me up without caring about dirting herself, then hereyes glided across the room. “No, it’s alright.” When I declared so as Istaggered on my feet, I met eyes with her anxious brown eyes. “… My lady, yourface is ghastly pale. Are you feeling unwell?” My back was gently stroked withsympathy. It made me feel like my wavering and swaying heart was sinking evenmore. She had been serving our house for a long time. In fact, she was the maidwho had been entrusted with taking care of Silvia. At first, Silvia’s wet nursewas supposed to carry that duty. But her physical condition deteriorated andshe went back to her home town. Therefore, because of her long years of serviceshe was chosen as a subst.i.tute among the several employed maids. My parents hadthat much trust in her, and nowadays she was completely serving as Silvia’sattached maid.

            Butshe was originally my exclusive maid.

One day, mother selected her out ofmany candidates to employ her as a first-rate maid for me who was to become thespouse of a marquis. So, she stayed with me since the day I became Soleil’sfiancé. But despite this, there was no mention of anything. At some point, Ididn’t even remember when exactly, little by little, she distanced herself fromme. Father or mother might have issued the instruction to do so. I didn’t knowwhat the reason was, nor did I feel like asking. Because at this point I knewit would be futile. 

            Butwhen I noticed it, I received a considerable shock. When I took a break from mystudies and rose my head, the maid who should always have been by my sidewasn’t here. Thinking she had some kind of business to do, I didn’t pay it anymind, but she didn’t come back like usual. After spending several days likethis, as expected I couldn’t continue to ignore that situation anymore, and Iwent to look for her. The fact I didn’t ask anyone about her whereabouts wasdue to my conceit for being her master. Since I, the master, didn’t know whereshe was, how come someone else could know? … That was the thoughts I had. Shortlyafter, I realized it was just a misunderstanding. I was reunited with her inthe corridor just as she was exiting Silvia’s room. The maid revealed a guiltyexpression just for a moment before covering it up with a smile. “Have you come to see Silvisama? Rightnow, Silvisama is resting,” she said. She told me this in an extremelynatural tone. That’s why I understood that she was no longer mine. Unable toaccept it, when I casually appealed to mother, I was gently admonished, “If you are concerned for Silvia, then youshould draw back, don’t you think so?” Becausewe’ll hire another maid for you. She was neither angry nor trying to reasonme, rather she warned me like how someone would persuade a little child. Hergaze was looking at me as if I was a hopeless, foolish child. She took it as ifI was stirring troubles, behaving selfishly to prevent my maid from being takenfrom me. Silvia is also important foryou, right? She threw at me a question that didn’t allow anything but anaffirmative answer. There was nothing I could say back.  

            Eventhough in these repeating lives of mine, several discrepancies are born, at thepoint in time Silvia and Soleil meet, I have already lost her.

“Considering the situation, it isprobably preferable to prepare a hot bath. While I apology for theinconvenience, but can you fill the bathtub with hot water please?”  

            Ilightly wiped my hands with the cloth I brought to clean the dust from the bookcollection. Unable to see this and let it pa.s.s, the maid exclaimed withcriticisms hidden in her voice, “Lady! You mustn’t clean your hand with such acloth…!” It’s alright, it’s fine, Ianswered blandly, tidying up my skirt and wiping away the ink. A drop of inkthat had yet to dry made a new stain on the floor. “I apologize for dirtyingthis place. Cleaning everything is hard, isn’t it?” When I said that with abitter smile, the maid creased her eyebrows. “There is no need for my lady toapologize… Absolutely none.” It was unusual for that everlasting calmed maid tolose her composure. Being told off in a slightly strengthened tone made astrained laughed escaped from my mouth. My conduct was probably flagrant tothat extent. It wasn’t like I did it on purpose. But I couldn’t help it becausefor some reason the image of the polished floor remained imprinted in myeyes. 

            Imustn’t do anything that would inconvenient the servant, I must never take thatatt.i.tude in front of a maid. I wasn’t that kind of person and I mustn’t becomesuch a woman. I must always be calmed, never lose my temper, and always wear asmile. “Apart from that… I wish we had something to wipe with but…” The dustcloth I had with me had already been dyed deep blue. But the maid shook herhead a little and whispered, “… That’s not the point, that’s not what matters.”I really didn’t know what the maid who had lowered her head and was biting onthe corner of her mouth was thinking. “… What happened?” When I asked her, shesuddenly rose her head and strongly stated “Please, accept my deepestapologize. I will go prepare a hot bath.” For some reason her shoulders felldown and she had a depressed look. “Please, wait here for a little while, mylady,” she said that but I couldn’t bring myself to let her go in that state. “…Merge.”Reflexively, I called her out and she stopped. The maid who turned back withher shoulders trembling in surprise, opened her eyes wide like she had seensomething unbelievable. “?” I tilted my head wondering what on earth happenedto her, but then she muttered, “You remembered it.”  “I remembered what?” Shaking her head likeshe was trying to get ride of her bewilderment, Merge took several steps backand smiled. “No, it is nothing,” she replied as if truly, nothing had happened.

“… Do not try to dodge the question,Merge.”

            Imight not have paid any mind to her reaction if I had been in my usual state.Or if it had been the first me. I would have believed her words. But, I knewthat when she had said there was nothing, it meant there was something. If itwas really nothing, then there would have been not need to expressly say thosewords. We stared at each other for a little while, but before long Merge letout a small sigh and explained, “About my name, I thought that you hadalready…” Her last words were left unsaid, probably because she noticed it wasout of bounds for a mere maid to say that. No servants would ask their masterif he or she remembered their name. They shouldn’t mind such a detail, it wasthe right and liberty of the master whether to remember or not. That was how themaster-servant relations.h.i.+p worked.

            However,it wasn’t like the time spent together with her was so little andinsignificant. At the beginning I learnt a lot of things under her constantattendance. Because around the time when it was decided I would become Soleil’sfiancé, I was too young. I truly didn’t know anything, couldn’t do anything.The one who taught me than even when I was simply sitting on a chair, I had tostay sharp and careful was none other than this maid. “Remembering it, isn’t itnatural?”

            Myvoice that should have answered without letting any emotion shown in itstrangely sounded a little cold. I couldn’t stop a self-mocking smile to appearas I discovered I hadn’t been trusted so far. Did she think I wouldn’t recall hereven her name? Did she stay at my side while thinking so all that time? If thatwas the case, then it wasn’t father’s and mother’s fault if she went to serveunder Silvia. She had surely given up herself. I could understand that much.

            IfI had to place the responsibility on someone, then as expected, it would be myfault.

“…. Lady,”

            Shecalled me with a slightly shaking voice.

“You were really good to me. That’swhy I am really grateful,” I told her.

Thank you, I added and laughed, my lips drawn in theirnever changing arc. It felt like my eyes, nose and mouth were drawn with ink ona paper that has been stuck to my face. It was a lot thinner than a mask. Butalso a lot more suffocating. Experiencing this all too familiar feeling, Ideepened my smile. Merge who was staring at my expression widened her eyes fora second, but the next one she lowered her head without saying anything. Thenshe left the archives in a trot like she was fleeing. No doubts there must havebeen something she had wanted to say. But in the end, she didn’t. It made merealized how empty and vain this so-called relation of mutual trust was.

… … Nowand even in the past too, I often saw her accompanying Silvia in herstroll.   

As Silviawasn’t properly receiving a lady education, the master-servant barrier didn’texist between them. It felt more like they were spending time together asfriends. They seemed to laugh and discuss a lot.

“If the maid was a spy… then what do you intend to do?”

            WhenI was still a young child, Merge said this to me. At that time precisely, therehad been a maid I was closed to. She was an exceedingly rare existence, someonewho would friendly accost even someone like me, a child who always kept herdistance with all the servants employed in the estate. It could also be saidthat because she was still young, she had yet to completely understand therules of the master-servant relations.h.i.+p. However, because of her friendliness,I told her a lot of things about the feelings I had built-up. Like what books Ijust read, what I learnt from my private tutor, even up to the content of thedream I saw. 

            Shewas a good listener, and she was also good at getting information out of me. I,who never had a friend of the same age, told her about what kind of rooms therewere in the mansion proudly. Because she would be delighted when I did so. Becauseshe would make a happy expression. Seeing me act like this, Merge tried tooffer me an honest advice. “Even if sheisn’t a spy, what if there is such a person among her friends, her family orher relatives?” Her words that only showed doubts stuck to my mind. Ilistened quietly as she told me I had to comprehend and deal with them bymyself. Even though she didn’t teach me the answer, I understood properly. Shewas saying I mustn’t be too intimate with the maid.

            Itwas only a few days after receiving Merge’s pointing that I learn that maid hadresigned her job and left the mansion.

            Sayingthat I wasn’t sad would be a lie. After seeing her off, I cried in my room. Idid it secretly as to not let anyone find out. I cried holding my voice down. Ididn’t want anyone to know I had been hurt by her departure.

            Whetherthis maid had truly been an ill-intended person or not, I never knew. However,I remembered how she had told me, “Lady,please, cheer up,” when I was about to cry. She had say she had a littlebrother quite apart in age from her. He had been suffering from an illnesssince many years ago and couldn’t even stand up so they needed a lot of money.She had frankly narrated her life story. I didn’t know if it was true or not,but that person who smiled bitterly and said, “My lady and myself might be quite alike,” brought me a feeling ofrelief. Even though I had a family, even though I wasn’t all alone in theworld, I never could get rid of a sense of isolation and loneliness. That therewas a person that would understand this saved me to some extent. Even if thathad been a lie. But in the end, what was important here wasn’t if she was an honestperson or a liar.

            Itwas how our surroundings would perceive it.  

            Evenif she was telling the truth, even if she was worth of trust. That had nothingto do. The problem was that she hadn’t work enough to gain the trust of thesurrounding people. If she hadn’t been a maid or a newly hired servant, thecirc.u.mstances might have been different. But, it hadn’t been the case.

*
*

            About half an hour later, I was given a towel by another maid who hadcome to inform me the bath was ready. I couldn’t wipe away the ink that hadalready dried so I wrapped it around me and covered my whole body. Then Iquickly moved to the bathroom so as to not been seen by other people. AlthoughI hadn’t done anything requiring a considerable amount of efforts, I wasexhausted. Unexpectedly, worrying about things used a lot of strength.

            WhileI was still absentmindedly lost in my thoughts, the maid helped me removed mystained clothes. Although it was a casual attire, the way clothes for n.o.bilitywere fastened was complex and taking them off alone would consume a lot oftime. I quickly undressed and I entered in the bathroom followed by the maidwho intended to help me bath. The room itself was wide, but the bathtub wasbarely big enough to allow to people to go in at the same time. It wasoverflowing with hot water. After pouring some on my body to lightly wash itoff, I put the tips of my toes in the bathtub. It wasn’t too hot nor toolukewarm. The water was just at the perfect temperature. I submerged myself upto my shoulders. The water seemed slightly murky, probably because of the inkthat had remained on a place I couldn’t see.

Somehow, Iwas feeling really tired. When I sank until the water reached my mouth, dropletsfell from the ceiling. As I absentmindedly gazed at the fallen droplets floatin the bathtub, they continued to fall and enter my field of vision one afterthe other. It almost looked like rain drops. Each time I blinked, I felt thatthe amount of falling droplets increased. The water drops that rebounded on thesurface of the water jumped into my faintly opened eyes. For some reason, thatfeeling was familiar. When I closed my eyes while twisting my head, trying toremember it, my right cheek slowly sank into the water. I was thinking Icouldn’t stay like this, yet the darkness cut me off reality.

*potapota**batabata**botabota**jabajaba**zaazaa**zaazaa*…

A scenerose at the other side of my consciousness. I saw my own arm stretched out.Because my palms were turn upward, my long nails were extended toward the sky.… My nails were? Such a trivial detail was accompanied with a sense ofdiscomfort. A daughter of a n.o.ble doesn’t have long nails. Because one of thetaught subject was how to play musical instruments. Whether it was string,keyboard or even wind instruments, most needed the performer to cut their nailsshort to play them. From childhood I had been learning piano. Therefore, mynails had never been long. But, right now, at the tip of my gaze, the nails of mystretched-out hands were long. Rather, they haven’t been trimmed. Here and therethey were chipped, their forms were irregular and crooked.

Afterbecoming aware of all these details, I noticed that my body almost couldn’tmove. In addition, my eyes too couldn’t see well. Was my eyesight dropping, orwas it physically hindered by something? It was probably both. As I keptblinking again and again, I realized I was rolling on the ground. The reason Icouldn’t see my surrounding well was because a quite strong rain was falling,and the street lights weren’t lit. Big raindrops dashed and bounced on thebared ground not properly paved. The bouncing water hit my cheeks. I lay thereimpa.s.sively, waiting for time to pa.s.s as the strong rain nearly drown my wholebody.

… … Ah,I’m, again… I’m dying again.

I couldn’tremember clearly what had happened. I might have forgotten why I ended uprolling in this back alley but my memories from even long before that mightalso be cloudy. I wonder if I ended up like this because I was sick? Or was itbecause of an injury? Had I been a.s.sault by someone? Or, did I do this tomyself? I didn’t understand anything, but I knew it seemed to be too late now,I was about to die. Each time I closed my eyelids, the remaining time was decreasing.The drops of water falling on my lips mercilessly flew into my mouth sobreathing was difficult and painful. But my tongue that stopped moving refusedor couldn’t spit them out.

I wonder howmany times I’ve repeated my life? Even this was vague. I want to take it easy.I want to throw away this damaged body and go somewhere. And then, never comeback here once again. Even thought that was what I thought… I will surely,again, return here, to this world.

“… Hel…p”

            Isaid a word I didn’t how many times I had repeated. While I knew n.o.body wouldhear it, if G.o.d was here, I was praying it would reach them. I tightly shut myeyes and waited for that moment.

“… It’s fine.”

            Thevoice that echoed suddenly made my heart beat relentlessly. When I opened myheavy eyelids, I saw the tip of black shoes in front of me. For a second, Ithought it was a woman because the clothes coiled around that person lookedlike a skirt. But the voice I heard definitely belonged to a man. Besides itwas terribly familiar. What he was wearing wasn’t a skirt, but a black robe. Irecognized it. The hem of the robe that was swaying just above the ground wasn’tgetting wet despite the rain. There wasn’t any mud on the shoes that werebarely visible. Since I had already lost my strength I couldn’t move my headand confirm his face. But I was already convinced. I thought it was a nostalgicvoice. His single sentence “it’s fine” that got lost in the sound of rainfall washeartrending. Always, I’ve always been waiting for this. I’ve always beenwaiting for him to appear. For him to reveal himself only at the very lastmoment when I’m on my death, it was so… He looked down on my face as he slowlycrouched down. Because his head was covered by a big hood I only saw his mouth.The pale color, the shape of his fine lips, I recalled the days I spent withhim. When was it that I revealed my secret to him? When was it that I gave upon my life when it was denied, when it wasn’t accepted?  

“… finally.”

            Iwonder which one of us whispered this. The sound of the rain that knocked onthe ground drowned it out, the words that were supposed to follow after this vanished.

            Thisbody that I couldn’t move even the slightest bit, Crow hold it up in his arms. Then,he gently whispered something close to my ears. I didn’t know whether his wordsheld meaning or not. Even thought it was the first time we met in this life, Iwas surprised by how he was acting as if we were old friends. But anyway, therewas no longer anything that could be done and it didn’t matter anymore.

            Therewas something I wanted to tell him. Crow probably didn’t want to know though.Somehow, I really wanted to convey this to him.

“There was… a meaning.”

            Ithought my voice would no longer come out, yet my dry tongue spined out thosewords. For some reason, that voice echoed clearly.

“There has… been… a reason.”

            …why I wasn’t loved.

            …… In one of my lives, at some point, Crow said, as there is no reason to lovesomeone, isn’t there also no reason to not love someone? If that was the case,then no matter what you do, wouldn’t it be meaningless? If there was no reason,no meaning for not being loved, it was because there was no room to be loved.

            ButI knew. The reason why I wasn’t loved. The reason why my parents never loved meand only loved Silvia. In reality, I knew why.

            Iopened my lips to tell him, but it seemed I didn’t have any remaining energyleft. I could only meaninglessly keep opening and closing them. As if to soothemy chest from which rose a painful whistling sound, Crow tenderly stroked myback. He gently calmed me, “It’s fine now.” Abruptly I felt that I no longercared about anything.  

            It’sfine now, it’s alright.

            Therepeated words resonated in my heart. It was what I wanted to hear. I always,wanted someone to. I wanted that to be said. I see, it’s already fine. When Ithought so, my consciousness quickly faded away.

            Thesound of the rain continued to echo in my ears.

            Iwas… …        

Nocta’s warning for next weekrelease:

In terms of length the next chapteris a monstrosity, so I’ll release it in two parts. Next Sunday will be part oneand the part two will be in two weeks. I won’t upload the chapter on NovelUpdatesuntil it’s completed, so only in two weeks. Those who can’t wait to read half achapter can come next week, the other can just take a break from despair. I won’traise both arms to cling to his back.

Also, is there an English onomatopoeiafor the sound of rain? Otherwise, please use your imagination for the *potapota**batabata**botabota**jabajaba**zaazaa**zaazaa*…