The Second Life – 2

            Inmy second life, among the alternatives I lost, there was the thing called‘peace.’

            AlthoughI had sunk to the level of a foolish woman only concerned about Soleil who ranaround driven by a violent emotion of deep jealousy, originally, I wasn’t aperson who liked disputes. My words were few, I wasn’t eloquent, rather thanstanding in front of someone, it was more in my nature to step back behindsomeone and let him protect me. I wonder if it’s possible that, when you’reborn and raised as the daughter of a n.o.ble, it becomes your naturaldisposition. An escort always sticks to you, before you can act a maid hadalready sensed what you want to do and had carried it out. In an emergencycase, your life takes precedence over everyone else, you should be protected byeither your father or your husband, without doubt you will believe that theirlarge back exist for this purpose.

            However,Soleil didn’t desire for his wife to be like this. Despite him falling in lovewith a so frail being, even then, I don’t know if it’s because he was seeking aperson able to bear the weight of being a marquis’s wife, but he never allowedme to be a weak existence. I think that was especially the case after we gotmarried. As the figure of a proper husband, while he would encourage me withgentle words, if I were to really ask him to lend me his shoulder, he wouldshow a somewhat disappointed expression.  

            Thatwas why I had had to become a wife stronger than anyone.

            Theme of the first life, probably had only been a normal woman. The kind of womanyou could find anywhere. She may have received the training to become a marquis’swife, but it can be said it was only such a woman. Regarding her other aspects,she was an ordinary woman to the extend she seemed pathetic. That was why, shewould slander the women who got close to Soleil or pick quarrels with them, usingthese unmistakably poor methods to try to keep them away. The one who had beenbarking like a weak dog, without doubts, it had been me. I think it was becauseI clung to the position of being Soleil’s fiancé. With hairs of the plain colorof ashes, mediocre features, but without casting away the pride of being anearl’s daughter, by relaying only on my feelings for Soleil, I always stoodstock still in the middle of the violent stream called life. For that purpose,I had piled up efforts as thought I would vomit blood. Otherwise, even simplystanding would have been difficult.

            …… In that manner, when I looked back on the me of my first life, I thoughtthis. All the things that happened, didn’t they occur because I had been a weakhuman being? Because my heart was weak, because I was a daughter who hadnothing, I had provided a weak spot for those who looked down on me to takeadvantage of. Because the situation had been like this, I had been accused ofthe sin of murdering my own family and lost my life in jail.

            WhenI learnt this was my second life, I thought that this time, I must lead itwell. Even if I only looked good on the surface. Even if I only became a papertiger. If, from the perspective of other people I looked like a tiger, thosewho would attempt an attack would probably disappear.

            Alife that would end in a jail, I didn’t want to experience it again. The personI loved didn’t trust me, my family turned their back on me, the people Iconsidered my friend ignored me once I was thrown in prison. The pathetic womanwho could only pray, didn’t receive a single word from them. Even if it hadbeen a lie, it would have been fine. If even one person had told me “I’ll helpyou”, with only that I would have been saved. The me who had been waiting withall her heart for that single word to be said, had been a pitifully andmiserably, irremediably wretched existence. And more than anything, she hadbeen foolish.

            That’swhy, the me of my second life, took every possible measure and used all thecards she could play. Even if someone called me a coward, even if I was scornedfor only being a woman, I never gave in, and made full use of my position asthe next marquis’s wife. I acted that way at the time I was a fiancé, after themarriage I expended my circle of friends, and with an authority that was enoughto overpower my surroundings, I strengthened my power base. I was considerablyhelped by the personal connections I had built since my early childhood thanksto my standing as Soleil’s fiancé. In my first life, I had been straightforwardlike an idiot, and never had the idea of using others. So, in my second life, Ididn’t hesitate. Something like wavering shouldn’t happen. Them too, not for mysake, not for me as an individual being, would spare no effort and lend a handif it was for a marquis. And inexchange, I would also send my a.s.sistance if they needed it.

            …… What I had overlooked in my previous life, now I could see it terriblyclearly. What words to choose for your conversation partner to harbor good willtoward you, what kind of att.i.tude to take to give him or her a good impressionof you; by always reading their slightest reactions, the human being calledIria was created. When facing someone, I took note of their nonchalantgestures, tone of voice, slips of tongue, expressions, line of sight, thenumber of times they would blink, even reaching the point of noticing thejolting of an eyeball, I observed them like I was descripting insects. Whendoing this, in due course, I understood who betrayed me, or who would try tobetray me. I traced a clear demarcation between the people I could trust andthose I couldn’t.

            Sometimes,only because there were slightly suspicious, people would be convicted.

            Forme, no, for the people backing me, the power to make such a thing happenexisted. In my first life, I had been in the position where I knew somebody hadset me up, but I myself had been unable to stop it. I knew that being careless wouldled to dying. While tracking down people and driving them to a corner made meharbor feeling of guilt, it was necessary in order to protect myself to theend. Because I knew without doubts that if, like in my first life, I wasaccused of any crime, both Soleil and my parents, even the friends I had becomeintimate with, would easily abandon me. In that way, I simply single-mindedlysought power, harvested all the highly subtle suspicions, and trampled them.

            Tothis, Soleil simply gave his tacit consent. What I was doing, was similar tohow I had act before our marriage, but he probably knew I wasn’t driven by achildish jealousy now. After all, he was a member of the n.o.bility. Heunderstood that by only glossing over things, you couldn’t defend the house.For this reason, he chose me as his wife, as his piece.     

            “You’re a terrible woman” told mesomeone. “I don’t want to become enemywith you”, he smiled bitterly while somewhere in his eyes, he disavowedsuch a woman.

            However,only Soleil grasped my hand, and told me it was fine. “Even when I’m absent, I can entrust the house to you with peace ofmind.”

            …… “I’m really glad I have taken a womansuch as Iria as my wife”, he said with a smile.

            That’swhy I persuaded myself. With this, it’s alright. With this, there is no doubt.It was the correct past.     

            Anynumber of times, I told myself that by following that path, by doing so, Silviawouldn’t die.

            Forthe sake of protecting Silvia, to accomplish that end, this time I really haveto do my best. I have to be strong. I have to be an existence everyone isafraid of. No matter how much I truly don’t want to be such a figure. I mustbecome an existence completely different from the child Soleil fell in lovewith.

            Andthen, in the early summer three years after our marriage. The fateful day cameonce again.

            Inmy second life, the gang of thieves that had attacked Silvia that day hadalready been arrested. The one who had acted against them had been me. BecauseI couldn’t stand by and do nothing when I knew she would be attacked, I usedall the cards in my hands to drive that organization to its annihilation. They,who were arrested, probably had never thought such a thing would happen. Theyhad dumbfounded expressions. When I looked at those faces, I could see that theraid on Silvia had only really just be due to the flow of events. At least, atthe stage when they were arrested, they hadn’t plan to attack the carriage ofan earl. In other words, that incident in itself only occurred that day byaccident. And of course, Silvia hadn’t been specially targeted. The people whohad set me up had just made good use of this incident.

            Ifyou thought like this, since the gang of thieves had been arrested, the odds thatSilvia wouldn’t die were high.      

            However,I could hardly say the situation was safe. Because I didn’t know what kind of triggerwould bring about that calamity. Clearly explaining her to not go outside,deploying an escort behind the scene, I devoted myself to the sake ofprotecting that child.

            Ihave to change the course of these events. I simply thought that.

            Thefuture where Silvia is killed. The future where I am arrested as the murderer.The future where Soleil turns his back on me. This huge flow that is headedtoward those ends, I have to change it.

            Onthat very day, just to be sure, I made Soleil head toward my parents" home. It would havebeen fine to go there myself, but if anything happened, two woman who couldbarely move would simply become hindrances. When it came to Silvia, if you hadto name only one person you could entrust her to, there would be no one elsebut Soleil. I don’t want to let him go, I don’t want to let Silvia and Soleil meet.But even if that was what I thought, for that one day only, I couldn’t letanyone else go to that child’s side. When I told him that recently, Silvia hadbeen in a poor condition and I wanted him to meet her in my stand, Soleilagreed without raising any question. Just for a little bit, in front of thatslightly relaxed lips, I closed my eyes, lowered my head and entrusted him withmy little sister. At the tip of my lowered line of sight, my crossed hands weretrembling. For what reason were they trembling, I don’t know. Because I’manxious? Because I’m insecure? I thought at once I mustn’t let Soleil noticeit. What should I do if he perceives it? What excuse can I make? Thinking all that,I raised my head, but.

            …… He wasn’t even seeing me.    

            Myface was indeed reflected in his eyes, but it was as if he was looking at mefrom afar. Was he thinking about Silvia who he would meet after this?   

            However,even then, it was fine. Because, I hadn’t been wrong. I hadn’t made a mistake.Even if the trembling of my hands wouldn’t calm down. Even if Soleil doesn’teven notice it.

            Aslong as that child doesn’t die, it’s alright. It was today. For today. Todayonly. I ought to tolerate it.

            Then,that day pa.s.sed peacefully and uneventfully, like any other ordinary day.Silvia was safe and nothing happened. It seemed she didn’t leave the mansionnor did she go outside. At last, I had made it through.

            Thanksgoodness. It was great. Truly great. The things I did weren’t in vain. 

            Onthe evening of that day, alone, I broke down crying.

            Ifelt I had finally been released from the fate that ended in tragedy. In a moodwhere I wanted to let out in a cry that all was fine, I shed tears withoutsuppressing my sobbing. I pretended I didn’t notice that Soleil, who said hewould be back by dusk, hadn’t return even after it had become the middle of thenight.

            …… And then, the time that I had lost in my first life, was returned to me.

            Iearnestly believed I would become a new me, that from now on my real life wouldstart. My expectations and hopes were that, my life from now own would beconferred with a brilliant glow. I was convinced of that. Even now, Soleil wasat my side, performing his duty as a husband. In the future, I would always bebeside him.

            Right,it wouldn’t be bad to have children soon. My true role was to give birth to thenext heir and to raise him. Soleil would surely become a good father, and evenI could become a good mother. Right, it would be good. To have a family. Tobecome a family.  

            Thistime, I would truly be united in marriage with Soleil.

            Ihad such a dream. A blessed and happy dream.

            Adream that was destined to never come true.