THE BLACK MUSHROOM. How I wish I"d been one of you!

THE YOUNG SCOT (_candidly_). I doot your legs would ha" stood such wark.

[PODBURY _becomes restless, and picks his way among the campstools to_ CULCHARD _and_ MISS TROTTER.

PODBURY (_to himself_). Time _I_ had a look in, I think. (_Aloud._) Well, Miss Trotter, what do you think of the Rhine, as far as you"ve got?

MISS T. Well, I guess it"s navigable, as far as _I"ve_ got.

PODB. No, but I mean to say--does it come up to the mark in the scenery line, you know?

MISS T. I cannt answer that till I know whereabouts it is they mark the scenery-line. I expect Mr. Culchard knows. He knows pretty well everything. Would you like to have him explain the scenery to you going along? His explanations are vurry improving, I a.s.sure you.

PODB. I dare say; but the scenery just here is so flat that even my friend"s remarks won"t improve it.

CULCH. (_producing his note-book ostentatiously_). I do not propose to attempt it. No doubt you will be more successful in entertaining Miss Trotter than I can pretend to be. I retire in your favour. [_He scribbles._

PODB. Is that our expenses you"re corking down there, Culchard, eh?

CULCH. (_with dignity_). If you want to know, I am "corking down," to adopt your elegant expression, a sonnet that suggested itself to me.

PODB. Much better cork that _up_, old chap--hadn"t he, Miss Trotter?

[_He glances at her for appreciation._

MISS T. That"s so. I don"t believe the poetic spirit has much chance of slopping over so long as Mr. Podbury is around. You have considerable merit as a stopper, Mr. Podbury.

PODB. I see; I"d better clear out till the poetry has all gurgled out of him, eh? Is that the idea?

MISS T. If it is, it"s your own, so I guess it"s a pretty good one.

[PODBURY _shoulders off._

CULCH. (_with his pathetic stop on_). I wish I had more of your divine patience! Poor fellow, he is not without his good points; but I do find him a thorn in my flesh occasionally, I"m afraid.

MISS T. Well, I don"t know as a thorn in the flesh is any the pleasanter for having a good point.

CULCH. Profoundly true, indeed. I often think I could like him better if there were less in him to like. I a.s.sure you he tries me so at times that I could almost wish I was back at work in my department at Somerset House!

MISS T. I dare say you have pretty good times there, too. Isn"t that one of your leading dry goods stores?

CULCH. (_pained_). It is not; it is a Government Office, and I am in the Pigeonhole and Docket Department, with important duties to discharge. I hope you didn"t imagine I sold ribbons and calico over a counter?

MISS T. (_ambiguously_). Well, I wasn"t just sure. It takes a pretty bright man to do that where I come from.

AN OLD LADY (_who is sitting next to_ PODBURY, _and reading a homeletter to another Old Lady_). "Dear Maria and dear Madeline are close by, they have taken very comfortable lodgings in Marine Crescent. Dear Madeline"s frame is expected down next Sat.u.r.day."

SECOND OLD LADY. Madeline"s frame! Is anything wrong with the poor girl"s spine?

FIRST OLD LADY. I never heard of it. Oh, I see, it"s _fiance_, my dear.

Caroline _does_ write so illegibly. (_Continuing._) "Um--um,--suppose you know she will be maimed----" (perhaps it _is_ her spine after all--oh, _married_, to be sure), "very slowly" (is it slowly or shortly, I wonder?), um, um, "very quiet wedding, n.o.body but dear Mr. Wilkinson and his hatter."

SECOND O. L. The idea of choosing one"s hatter for one"s best man! I"m surprised Maria should allow it!

FIRST O. L. Maria always _was_ peculiar--still, now I come to look, it"s more like "brother," which is certainly _much_ more suitable.

(_Continuing._) "She will have no--no bird"s-marks ..." (Now, what _does_ that--should you think that meant "crows-feet"? Oh, no, _how_ stupid of me--_bridesmaids_, of course!)--"and will go to the otter a plain guy"--(Oh, Caroline really is _too_ ...)--"to the _altar_ in plain _grey_! She has been given such quant.i.ties of pea-nuts"--(very odd things to give a girl! Oh, _presents_! um, um)--"Not settled yet where to go for their hangman"--(the officiating clergyman, I suppose--very flippant way of putting it, I _must_ say! It"s meant for _honeymoon_, though, I see, to be _sure_!) &c. &c.

CULCH. (_to_ MISS T.). I should like to be at Nuremberg with you. It would be an unspeakable delight to watch the expansion of a fresh young soul in that rich mediaeval atmosphere!

MISS T. I guess you"ll have opportunities of watching Mr. Podbury"s fresh young soul under those conditions, any way.

CULCH. It would not be at all the same thing--even if he--but you _do_ think you"re coming to Nuremberg, don"t you?

MISS T. Well, it"s this way. Poppa don"t want to get fooling around any more one-horse towns than he can help, and he"s got to be fixed up with the idea that Nuremberg is a prominent European sight before he drops everything to get there.

CULCH. I will undertake to interest him in Nuremberg. Fortunately, we are all getting off at Bingen, and going, curiously enough, to the same hotel. (_To himself._) Confound that fellow Podbury, here he is _again_!

PODB. (_to himself, as he advances_). If she"s carrying on with that fellow, Culchard, to provoke me, I"ll soon show her how little I--(_Aloud._) I say, old man, hope I"m not interrupting you, but I just want to speak to you for a minute, if Miss Trotter will excuse us. Is there any particular point in going as far as Bingen to-night, eh?

CULCH. (_resignedly_). As much as there is in not going farther than somewhere else, _I_ should have thought.

PODB. Well, but look here--why not stop at Bacharach, and see what sort of a place it is?

CULCH. You forget that our time is limited if we"re going to stick to our original route.

PODB. Yes, of course; mustn"t waste any on the Rhine. Suppose we push on to Maintz to-night, and get the Rhine off our hands then? (_With a glance at_ MISS TROTTER.) The sooner I"ve done with this steamer business the better!

MISS T. Well, Mr. Podbury, that"s not a vurry complimentary remark to make before me!

PODB. We"ve seen so little of one another lately that it can hardly make much difference--to _either_ of us--can it?

MISS T. Now I call that real kind, you"re consoling me in advance!

THE STEWARD (_coming up_). De d.i.c.kets dat I haf nod yed seen!

(_examining_ CULCHARD"S _coupons_). For Bingen--so?

CULCH. _I_ am. This gentleman gets off--is it Bacharach or Maintz, Podbury?

PODB. (_sulkily_). Neither, as it happens. I"m for Bingen, too, as you won"t go anywhere else. Though you _did_ say when we started, that the advantage of travelling like this was that we could go on or stop just as the fancy took us!

CULCH. (_calmly_). I did, my dear Podbury. But it never occurred to me that the fancy would take you to get tired of a place before you got there!

PODB. (_as he walks forwards_). Hang that fellow! I know I shall punch his head some day. And She didn"t seem to care whether I stayed or not.

(_Hopefully._) But you never _can_ tell with women!

[_He returns to his camp-stool and the letter-reading Old Ladies._