THE OBL. BROKER (_whispering beerily in his ear_). Seen anythink yet as takes your fancy, Sir; "cos, if so--
[THE A. S. _escapes to a dark corner--where he is warmly welcomed by_ MR. MIDDLEMAN.
MR. M. _Knew_ you"d think better on it, Sir. Now which is it to be--the "_Boot-Black_," or "_Mixture as Before_"?
AUCT. Now we come to Lot 19. Ma.s.sive fluted column in coral marble with revolving-top--a column, Gentlemen, which will speak for itself.
THE FACETIOUS BIDDER (_after a scrutiny_). Then it may as well mention, while it"s _about_ it, that it"s got a bit out of its back!
AUCT. Flaw in the marble, that"s all. (_To_ a.s.sIST.) Nothing the _matter_ with the column, is there?
a.s.sIST. (_with reluctant candour_). Well, it _"as_ got a little chipped, Sir.
AUCT. (_easily_). Oh, very well then, we"ll sell it "A. F." Very glad it was found out in time, I"m sure. [_Bidding proceeds._
FIRST DEALER _to_ SECOND (_in a husky whisper_). Talkin" o" Old Masters, I put young "Anway up to a good thing the other day.
SECOND D. (_without surprise--probably from a knowledge of his friend"s n.o.ble unselfish nature_). Ah--"ow was that?
FIRST D. Well, there was a picter as I "appened to know could be got in for a deal under what it ought--in good "ands, mind yer--to fetch. It was a Morlan"--leastwise, it was so like you couldn"t ha" told the difference, if you understand my meanin". (_The other nods with complete intelligence._) Well, I "adn"t no openin" for it myself just then, so I sez to young "Anway, "You might do worse than go and "ave a _look_ at it," I told him. And I run against him yesterday, Wardour Street way, and I sez, "Did yer go and _see_ that picter?" "Yes," sez he, "and what"s more, I got it at pretty much my own figger, too!" "Well," sez I, "and ain"t yer goin" to _shake "ands with me over it_?"
SECOND D. (_interested_). And _did_ he?
FIRST D. Yes, he did--he beyaved very fair over the matter, I will say _that_ for him.
SECOND D. Oh, "Anway"s a very decent little feller--_now_.
AUCT. (_hopefully_). Now, Gentlemen, this next lot"ll tempt you, _I"_m sure! Lot 33, a magnificent and very finely executed dramatic group out of the "_Merchant of Venice_," _Oth.e.l.lo_ in the act of smothering _Desdemona_, both nearly life-size. (a.s.sIST., _with a sardonic inflection_. "_Group_ "ere, _Gen"lm"n_!") What shall we say for this great work by Roccocippi, Gentlemen? A hundred guineas, just to start us?
THE F. B. Can"t you put the two figgers up separate?
AUCT. You know better than that--being a group, Sir. Come, come, any one give me a hundred for this magnificent marble group! The figure of _Oth.e.l.lo_ very finely finished, Gentlemen.
THE F. B. I should ha" thought it was _her_ who was the finely finished one of the two.
AUCT. (_pained by this levity_). Really, Gentlemen, _do_ "ave more appreciation of a "igh-cla.s.s work like this!... Twenty-five guineas?...
Nonsense! I can"t put it up at that.
[_Bidding languishes. Lot withdrawn._
SECOND DISINTERESTED DEALER (_to_ FIRST D. D., _in an undertone_). I wouldn"t tell every one, but I shouldn"t like to see _you_ stay "ere and waste your time; so, in case you _was_ thinking of waiting for that last lot, I may just as well mention--
[_Whispers._
FIRST D. D. Ah, it"s _that_ way, is it? Much obliged to you for the "int. But I"d do the same for you any day.
SECOND D. D. I"m _sure_ yer would!
[_They watch one another suspiciously._
AUCT. Now "ere"s a tasteful thing, Gentlemen. Lot. 41. "_Nymph eating Oysters_" ("_Nymph "ere, Gen"lm"n!_"), by the celebrated Italian artist Vabene, one of the finest works of Art in this room, and they"re _all_ exceedingly fine works of Art; but this is a _truly_ work of Art, Gentlemen. What shall we say for her, eh? (_Silence._) Why, Gentlemen, no more appreciation than _that_? Come, don"t be afraid of it. Make a beginning. (_Bidding starts._) Forty-five guineas. Forty-six--_pounds_.
Forty-six pounds only, this remarkable specimen of modern Italian Art.
Forty-six and a "arf. Only forty-six ten bid for it. Give character to any gentleman"s collection, a figure like this would. Forty-seven _pounds_--_guineas_! and a "arf.... Forty-seven and a "arf guineas....
For the last time! Bidding with you, Sir. Forty-seven guineas and a "arf--Gone! Name, Sir, if _you_ please. Oh, money? Very well. Thank you.
PROUD PURCHASER (_to Friend, in excuse for his extravagance_). You see, I must have something for that grotto I"ve got in the grounds.
HIS FRIEND. If she was mine, I should put her in the hall, and have a gaslight fitted in the oyster-sh.e.l.l.
P. P. (_thoughtfully_). Not a bad idea. But electric light would be more suitable, and easier to fix too. Yes--we"ll see.
THE OBL. BROKER (_pursuing the_ AM. SPECT.). I "ope, Sir, you"ll remember me, next time you"re this way.
THE AM. SPECT. (_who has only ransomed himself by taking over an odd lot, consisting of imitation marble fruit, a model, under crystal, of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and three busts of Italian celebrities of whom he has never heard_). I"m afraid I sh"an"t have very much chance of forgetting you. _Good_ afternoon!
[_Exit hurriedly, dropping the fruit, as Scene closes._
At the Guelph Exhibition.
IN THE CENTRAL HALL.
A THRIFTY VISITOR (_on entering_). Catalogue? No. What"s the use of a Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you nothing you don"t know!
HIS WIFE (_indicating a pile of Catalogues on table_). Aren"t _these_ big enough for you?
THE THR. V. Those? Why they"re big enough for the _London Directory_!
Think I"m going to drag a thing like that about the place? You don"t really want a Catalogue--it"s all your fancy!
MR. PRATTLER (_to_ MISS AMMERSON). Oh, _do_ stop and look at these _sweet_ goldfish! Pets! Don"t you _love_ them? _Aren"t_ they tame?
MISS AMMERSON. Wouldn"t do to have them _wild_--might jump out and _bite_ people, you know!
MR. P. It"s _too_ horrid of you to make fun of my poor little enthusiasms! But really,--couldn"t we get something and feed them?--_Do_ let"s!
MISS A. I dare say you could get ham-sandwiches in the Restaurant--or chocolates.
MR. P. How unkind you are to me! But I don"t care. (_Wilfully._) I shall come here all by myself, and bring biscuits. Great big ones! Are you determined to take me into that big room with all the Portraits? Well you must tell me who they all are, then, and which are the Guelphiest ones.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "PETS! DON"T YOU _love_ THEM? _Aren"t_ THEY TAME?"]
CONSIDERATE NIECE (_to_ UNCLE). They seem mostly Portraits here. You"re sure you don"t _mind_ looking at them, Uncle? I know so many people _do_ object to Portraits.
UNCLE (_with the air of a Christian Martyr_). No, my dear, no; _I_ don"t mind "em. Stay here as long as you like. I"ll sit down and look at the people till you"ve done.